I've seen Joe, Auburn won the ballgame, AND I moved the furniture that Joe thinks we are moving in the morning *giggles* I hope he don't get mad at me for doing it.... took me forever with just one arm, but i did it!!!!!
Oh- what would have made it perfect you ask? If he'd been here with me naturally!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I did, He did, and We didn't
Now, last text I got said and I quote," I won't do anything to upset u right now ur call not mine I'll be home later." To which I replied- Ditto. I knew when I saw "tonight" replaced with later that he'd made his mind up.
I really am ok with him being with her now- it nearly KILLED me in the beginning. It obviously doesn't effect how he feels about me though- Whatever the hell that is, I'm just still not comfortable seeing it happen.
That's why I opted to go spend the weekend with Michelle- I could tell something was up from some cooky little comments he'd been making that he 1. was tired of being just nursemaid, 2. missed her company, and 3. wanted a little distance between us.
I don't mind, and can really understand all the above- I wish I could do/be more than I am, I don't like to feel like I'm taking advantage of his ...feelings for me, good nature, whatever you want to call it.
AT THE SAME TIME, I suppose I'm feeling more ...female... (said with a wee bit of disgust) than I like to admit. I never knew a broken bone could cause such damned insecure, vulnerable, weak, ugly, ....all the bad things feelings. I feel absolutely no good to anyone at the moment.
And Joe is having to deal with the brunt of all my ....shit at the moment.
I kind of hope he DOES stay away today to- it'll do him good!
I really am ok with him being with her now- it nearly KILLED me in the beginning. It obviously doesn't effect how he feels about me though- Whatever the hell that is, I'm just still not comfortable seeing it happen.
That's why I opted to go spend the weekend with Michelle- I could tell something was up from some cooky little comments he'd been making that he 1. was tired of being just nursemaid, 2. missed her company, and 3. wanted a little distance between us.
I don't mind, and can really understand all the above- I wish I could do/be more than I am, I don't like to feel like I'm taking advantage of his ...feelings for me, good nature, whatever you want to call it.
AT THE SAME TIME, I suppose I'm feeling more ...female... (said with a wee bit of disgust) than I like to admit. I never knew a broken bone could cause such damned insecure, vulnerable, weak, ugly, ....all the bad things feelings. I feel absolutely no good to anyone at the moment.
And Joe is having to deal with the brunt of all my ....shit at the moment.
I kind of hope he DOES stay away today to- it'll do him good!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
you just never know
what life holds in store for you. The very reason I divorced hubby number 1: I (merely) thought he was running around on me. The saddest truth I've ever encountered in a way- if we had merely discussed it, things might have worked out differently.
The second saddest truth I've encountered so far: the man I'm with now- has 2 of us, and that's fine with me. Where the sad comes in- right now he's doing the happy dance because she gets to come tomorrow instead of waiting until saturday. Truth to tell- I have a broken arm and aint much good to him. The most hurtful part of this- he'll tell me, "i want to help you get off... i want to make you come" when the truth is, he just doesn't Want me right now. Says it's cause he's afraid he'll hurt me- that might be true. but Another part of the truth is that i'm just not doing ...whatever it is he wants to turn him on. even when I try what I know has worked in the past- nada, zilch.
and to hell with the sex- i want to FEEL WANTED. I want a hug for no reason, a kiss for no reason, i just want ....assurance.
yep, i''m right in the damned middle of a pity party.
I just can't stand this. The broken arm is bad enough. But for him to suddenly jjust quit wanting me- it's a bit much to bear. He does everything- always very considerate. Even said the dreaded, "I made a committment to you- that includes the good and the bad." Well, that's all well and good, but I just can't stand the thought that that's the only reason for all this. I still want him to WANT me.
Today, he jumped for joy at the thought that i was leaving tomorrow to go to the daughters- he's ALWAYS before told me that Friday was not the day she was coming. Within ...three minutes of him "misunderstanding what I meant he attacked his phone to text and tell her come TOMORROW!!! SHE WONT BE HERE! HOUSE TO OURSELVES! At least that's the impression I got. I had to even ask for a goodnight kiss. Almost didn't even get a kiss when he left for work. What's a girl to think.
I just don't know. NOW, he's sleeping like a baby knowing tomorrow he'll have one that'll turn him every way but loose. Meanwhile- "I want to help you get some to." That's one helluva far cry from WANTING me. I feel like i'm being punished. I feel like I'm in the way.
I don't know what to do. I've done everything but rub my coochie in his face. My guess- he'd tell me to stop that he's afraid he'd hurt me.
I'm miserable. I could go in there right now, wake him up and say, "sweetieeeeee make love to me pleeeeeease" and he probably would- but it wouldn't be because he wanted to. THATS the part that hurts so bad!!!!!!!!!!
The second saddest truth I've encountered so far: the man I'm with now- has 2 of us, and that's fine with me. Where the sad comes in- right now he's doing the happy dance because she gets to come tomorrow instead of waiting until saturday. Truth to tell- I have a broken arm and aint much good to him. The most hurtful part of this- he'll tell me, "i want to help you get off... i want to make you come" when the truth is, he just doesn't Want me right now. Says it's cause he's afraid he'll hurt me- that might be true. but Another part of the truth is that i'm just not doing ...whatever it is he wants to turn him on. even when I try what I know has worked in the past- nada, zilch.
and to hell with the sex- i want to FEEL WANTED. I want a hug for no reason, a kiss for no reason, i just want ....assurance.
yep, i''m right in the damned middle of a pity party.
I just can't stand this. The broken arm is bad enough. But for him to suddenly jjust quit wanting me- it's a bit much to bear. He does everything- always very considerate. Even said the dreaded, "I made a committment to you- that includes the good and the bad." Well, that's all well and good, but I just can't stand the thought that that's the only reason for all this. I still want him to WANT me.
Today, he jumped for joy at the thought that i was leaving tomorrow to go to the daughters- he's ALWAYS before told me that Friday was not the day she was coming. Within ...three minutes of him "misunderstanding what I meant he attacked his phone to text and tell her come TOMORROW!!! SHE WONT BE HERE! HOUSE TO OURSELVES! At least that's the impression I got. I had to even ask for a goodnight kiss. Almost didn't even get a kiss when he left for work. What's a girl to think.
I just don't know. NOW, he's sleeping like a baby knowing tomorrow he'll have one that'll turn him every way but loose. Meanwhile- "I want to help you get some to." That's one helluva far cry from WANTING me. I feel like i'm being punished. I feel like I'm in the way.
I don't know what to do. I've done everything but rub my coochie in his face. My guess- he'd tell me to stop that he's afraid he'd hurt me.
I'm miserable. I could go in there right now, wake him up and say, "sweetieeeeee make love to me pleeeeeease" and he probably would- but it wouldn't be because he wanted to. THATS the part that hurts so bad!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, November 19, 2010
1 handed typing
makes for more concise 2the point wording... sometimes.
I find myself in a terrible predicament. It is teaching and/or showing me a couple things that i really did need to know.
The whole confusion of all this ... it's like a lake in early am, covered w fog- can't see anything... as the morning rolls on, the fog starts to lift and u can see a little more...
that's where i am atm. I do see things a little more clearly now... i think. If the walk of shame ends, i'll know maybe that he really does listen, and Is trying, at least, to allow me some sort of ...anchor... for the stormy parts.
I hate that this accident happened. I hate the spot it puts me in. I hate the spot this puts him in. At the same time, I'm so thankful 2have him 2lean on. He is being sooooo ....wunnerful... about all this. All I have 2do is let him know I want/need ...wever, and he does it.
Knowing what (little) I know though- only makes it worse that he's so easily taking care of me. I'm used to being the one that takes care of s1, not the other way around!
I hope, show sday 2show him how thankful/appreciative/grateful I am for being here for me.
I find myself in a terrible predicament. It is teaching and/or showing me a couple things that i really did need to know.
The whole confusion of all this ... it's like a lake in early am, covered w fog- can't see anything... as the morning rolls on, the fog starts to lift and u can see a little more...
that's where i am atm. I do see things a little more clearly now... i think. If the walk of shame ends, i'll know maybe that he really does listen, and Is trying, at least, to allow me some sort of ...anchor... for the stormy parts.
I hate that this accident happened. I hate the spot it puts me in. I hate the spot this puts him in. At the same time, I'm so thankful 2have him 2lean on. He is being sooooo ....wunnerful... about all this. All I have 2do is let him know I want/need ...wever, and he does it.
Knowing what (little) I know though- only makes it worse that he's so easily taking care of me. I'm used to being the one that takes care of s1, not the other way around!
I hope, show sday 2show him how thankful/appreciative/grateful I am for being here for me.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
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